Dating Confidence

Dating is a form of courtship
consisting of social activities done by two people with the aim of each
assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as
a spouse. While the term has several meanings, it usually refers to the act of
meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public,
together, as a couple.
The protocols and practices of
dating, and the terms used to describe it, vary considerably from country to
country. The most common idea is two people trying out a relationship and
exploring whether they're compatible by going out together in public as a
couple, who may or may not yet be having sexual relations. This period of
courtship is sometimes seen as a precursor to engagement or
marriage.

History

​Persian miniature of Reza Abbasi,
featuring two lovers
From the perspective of the history of humans in
civilization, dating as an institution is a relatively recent phenomenon which
has mainly emerged in the last few centuries. From the standpoint of
anthropology and sociology, dating is linked with other institutions such as
marriage and the family which have also been changing rapidly and which have
been subject to many forces, including advances in technology and medicine. As
humans have evolved from the hunter-gatherers into civilized societies and more
recently into modern societies, there have been substantial changes in the
relationship between men and women, with perhaps the only biological constant
being that both adult women and men must have sexual intercourse for human
procreation to happen.


Humans have
been compared to other species in terms of sexual behavior. Neurobiologist
Robert Sapolsky constructed a reproductive spectrum with opposite poles being
tournament species, in which males compete fiercely for reproductive privileges
with females, and pair bond arrangements, in which a male and female will bond
for life. According to Sapolsky, humans are somewhat in the middle of this
spectrum, in the sense that humans form pair bonds, but there is the possibility
of cheating or changing partners. These species-particular behavior patterns
provide a context for aspects of human reproduction, including dating. However,
one particularity of the human species is that pair bonds are often formed
without necesarily having the intention of reproduction. In modern times,
emphasis on the institution of marriage, generally described as a male-female
bond, has obscured pair bonds formed by same-sex, trans, or queer couples, and
the fact that many heterosexual couples also bond for life without offspring, or
that often pairs that do have offspring separate. Thus, the concept of marriage
is changing widely in many countries.


Historically
though, in most societies, and during much of human history, marriages were
arranged by parents and older relatives with the goal not being love but legacy
and "economic stability and political alliances," according to anthropologists.
Accordingly, there was little need for a temporary trial period such as dating
before any permanent community-recognized union was formed between a man and a
woman. Men were the dominant sex in a system of patriarchy. While pair-bonds of
varying forms were recognized by most societies as acceptable social
arrangements, marriage was reserved for heterosexual pairings and had a
transactual nature, where wives were in many cases a form of property being
exchanged between father and husband, and who would have to serve the function
of reproduction. Communities exerted pressure on people to form pair-bonds in
places such as Europe; in China, according to sociologist Tang Can, society
"demanded people get married before having a sexual relationship" and many
societies found that some formally recognized bond between a man and a woman was
the best way of rearing and educating children as well as helping to avoid
conflicts and misunderstandings regarding competition for
mates.



Romeo
and Juliet dated, but it did not end well.
 Painting by Sir Frank
Dicksee
Generally, during much of recorded history of humans in
civilization, and into the Middle Ages in Europe, weddings were seen as business
arrangements between families, while romance was something that happened outside
of marriage discreetly, such as covert meetings. The 12th-century book The Art
of Courtly Love advised that "True love can have no place between husband and
wife." According to one view, clandestine meetings between men and women,
generally outside of marriage or before marriage, were the precursors to today's
dating.


From about
1700, however, according to professor David Christian of Macquarie University in
Australia in a course entitled Big History, a worldwide movement perhaps
described as the "empowerment of the individual" took hold, leading to the
emancipation of women and the equality of individuals. Men and women became more
equal politically, financially, and socially in many nations. Women won the
right to vote and own property and receive equal treatment by the law, and these
changes had profound impacts on the relationships between men and women.
Parental influence declined. In many societies, individuals could decide––on
their own––whether they should marry, who they should marry, and when they
should marry. A few centuries ago, dating was sometimes described as a
"courtship ritual where young women entertained gentleman callers, usually in
the home, under the watchful eye of a chaperone," but increasingly, in many
Western countries, it became a self-initiated activity with two young people
going out as a couple in public together. Still, dating varies considerably by
nation, custom, religious upbringing, technology, and social class, and
important exceptions with regards to individual freedoms remain as many
countries today still practice arranged marriages, request dowries, and forbid
same-sex parings. Although in many countries, movies, meals, meeting in
coffeehouses and other places is now popular, as are advice books suggesting
various strategies for men and women  in other parts of the world, such as
in South Asia and many parts of the Middle East, being alone in public as a
couple with another person is not only frowned upon but can even lead to either
person being socially ostracized.


In the
twentieth century, dating was sometimes seen as a precursor to marriage but it
could also be considered as an end-in-itself, that is, an informal social
activity akin to friendship. It generally happened in that portion of a person's
life before the age of marriage, but as marriage became less permanent with the
advent of divorce, dating could happen at other times in peoples lives as well.
People became more mobile. Rapidly developing technology played a huge role: new
communication technology such as the telephone, Internet and text messaging
enabled dates to be arranged without face-to-face contact. Cars extended the
range of dating as well as enabled back-seat sexual exploration. In the mid
twentieth century, the advent of birth control as well as safer procedures for
abortion changed the equation considerably, and there was less pressure to marry
as a means for satisfying sexual urges. New types of relationships formed; it
was possible for people to live together without marrying and without having to
deal with children. Information about human sexuality grew, and with it an
acceptance of all types of sexual orientations is becoming more common. Today,
the institution of dating continues to evolve at a rapid rate with new
possibilities and choices opening up.


​


Dating as a
social relationship


Wide
variation in behavior patterns


 


Social rules
regarding dating vary considerably according to variables such as country,
social class, religion, age, sexual orientation and gender. Behavior patterns
are generally unwritten and constantly changing. There are considerable
differences between social and personal values. Each culture has particular
patterns which determine such choices as whether the man asks the woman out,
where people might meet, whether kissing is acceptable on a first date, the
substance of conversation, who should pay for meals or entertainment, or whether
splitting expenses is allowed. Among the Karen people in Burma and Thailand,
women are expected to write love poetry and give gifts to win over the man.[18]
Since dating can be a stressful situation, there is the possibility of humor to
try to reduce tensions. For example, director Blake Edwards wanted to date
singing star Julie Andrews, and he joked in parties about her persona by saying
that her "endlessly cheerful governess" image from movies such as Mary Poppins
and The Sound of Music gave her the image of possibly having "lilacs for pubic
hair"; Andrews appreciated his humor, sent him lilacs, dated him and later
married him, and the couple stayed together for 41
years.


​


Different
meanings of the term


While the
term dating has many meanings, the most common refers to a trial period in which
two people explore whether to take the relationship further towards a more
permanent relationship; in this sense, dating refers to the time when people are
physically together in public as opposed to the earlier time period in which
people are arranging the date, perhaps by corresponding by email or text or
phone. Another meaning of the term dating is to describe a stage in a person's
life when he or she is actively pursuing romantic relationships with different
people. If two unmarried celebrities are seen in public together, they are often
described as "dating" which means they were seen in public together, and it is
not clear whether they are merely friends, exploring a more intimate
relationship, or are romantically involved.


​


Evaluation


Unusual
circumstances such as a river splashdown can bring couples together, including a
man and woman aboard this flight.
When two people are in public, exploring
whether to become more romantically involved, each person is simultaneously
evaluating the other as a possible future partner, and at the same time is being
evaluated. This can be stressful. While some of what happens on a date is guided
to an extent by an understanding of basic rules, there is considerable room to
experiment. Since there is uncertainty about how to behave on a date, there are
numerous sources of advice available. Sources of advice include magazine
articles, self-help books, dating coaches, friends, and many other sources. And
the advice given can pertain to all facets of dating, including such aspects as
where to go, what to say, what not to say, what to wear, how to end a date, how
to flirt, and differing approaches regarding first dates versus subsequent
dates.[31] In addition, advice can apply to periods before a date, such as how
to meet prospective partners, as well as after a date, such as how to break off
a relationship. There are now more than 500 businesses worldwide that offer
dating coach services—with almost 350 of those operating in the U.S. And the
number of these businesses has surged since 2005 Frequency of dating varies by
person and situation; among singles actively seeking partners, 36% had been on
no dates in the past three months, 13% had one date, 22% had two to four dates
and 25% had five or more dates, according to a 2005 U.S. survey. Traumatic
events can sometimes cause people to start dating; for example, two passengers
aboard US Airways Flight 1549, which crashed in the Hudson River but without
loss of life, began dating afterwards.



The
copulatory gaze, looking lengthily at a new possible partner, brings you
straight into a sparring scenario; you will stare for two to three seconds when
you first spy each other, then look down or away before bringing your eyes in
sync again. This may be combined with displacement gestures, small repetitive
fiddles that signal a desire to speed things up and make contact. When
approaching a stranger you want to impress, exude confidence in your stance,
even if you're on edge. Pull up to your full height in a subtle chest-thrust
pose, which arches your back, puffs out your upper body and pushes out your
buttocks. Roll your shoulders back and down and relax your facial
expression.


—Judi James
in The Guardian,


​


Meeting
places


A nature
walk can be a setting for a second or third date, like this one outside
Clevedon, New Zealand.


Ballroom
dancing is one way to get to know somebody on a date.
There are numerous
ways to meet potential dates, including blind dates, classified ads, dating
websites, hobbies, holidays, office romance, social networking, speed dating,
and others. A Pew study in 2005 examined Internet users in long-term
relationships including marriage found many met by contacts at work or school.
The survey found that 55% of relationship-seeking singles agreed that it was
"difficult to meet people where they live." One writer suggested that meeting
possible partners was easier in pedestrian-oriented cities such as Berlin or
Barcelona rather than Los Angeles since there were more chances for face-to-face
contact. Work is a common place to meet potential spouses, although there are
some indications that the Internet is overtaking the workplace as an
introduction venue. Some couples met because they lived in the same building and
shared a common bathroom. Hobbies can be an informal way for people to meet. In
Britain, one in five marry a co-worker; half of all workplace romances end
within three months. In India, there are incidents of people meeting future
spouses in the workplace. One drawback of office dating is that a bad date can
lead to "workplace awkwardness".


​


Gender
differences


There is
general perception that men and women approach dating differently, hence the
reason why advice for each sex varies greatly, particularly when dispensed by
popular magazines. For example, it is a common yet mistaken belief that
heterosexual men often seek women based on beauty and youth. Psychology
researchers at the University of Michigan suggested that men prefer women who
seem to be "malleable and awed", and prefer younger women with subordinate jobs
such as secretaries and assistants and fact-checkers rather than executive-type
women. Online dating patterns suggest that men are more likely to initiate
online exchanges (over 75%) and extrapolate that men are less "choosy", seek
younger women, and "cast a wide net". In a similar vein, the stereotype for
heterosexual women is that they seek well-educated men who are their age or
older with high-paying jobs. Evolutionary psychology suggests that "women are
the choosier of the genders" since "reproduction is a much larger investment for
women" who have "more to lose by making bad choices."


All of these
are examples of gender stereotypes which plague dating discourse and shape
individuals' and societies' expectations of how heterosexual relationships
should be navigated. In addition to the deterimental effects of upholding
limited views of relationships and sexual and romantic desires, stereotypes also
lead to framing social problems a problematic way. For example, some have noted
that educated women in many countries including Italy and Russia and the United
States find it difficult to have a career as well as raise a family, prompting a
number of writers to suggest how women should approach dating and how to time
their careers and personal life. Yet the advice comes with the assumption that
the work-life balance is inherently a "woman's problem". Many societies women
still believe that women should fulfill the role of primary caregivers, and thus
they count with little to no spousal support in parenting, nor services provided
by employers or government such as parental leave or child care. Hence the
problem of career timing. Many women have written on the subject, and some
writer's opinions harken back to a very traditional notion of gender roles, such
the ones expressed by writer Danielle Crittenden in her book What Our Mothers
Didn't Tell Us where she argued that having both a career and family was taxing
and stressful for women, and she made a case that the ideal path for women was
to marry early in their twenties when their relative beauty permitted them to
find a solid marriage bargain and choose from a large pool of available men,
have children, and return to the work world when they were in their early
thirties with kids in school. Another writer, Crittenden, agrees splitting up
the career path with a ten-year baby-raising hiatus poses difficulties as well.
Columnist Maureen Dowd quoted comedian Bill Maher on the subject of differing
dating agendas between men and women: "Women get in relationships because they
want somebody to talk to -- men want women to shut up."


It is
increasingly common today, however, with new generations and in a growing number
of countries, to frame the work-life balance issue as a social problem rather
than a gender problem. With the advent of a changing workplace, the increased
participation of women in the labor force, an increasing number of men who are
picking up their share of parenting and housework, and more and more governments
and industries committing themselves to acheiving gender equality, the question
of whether or not, or when to start a family is slowly being recognized as an
issue that touches (or should touch) both genders.


​


Love


If there is
any aspect of dating which is common for both sexes, then perhaps the idea of
being in love can be scary; one said "being really intimate with someone in a
committed sense is kind of threatening" and described love as "the most
terrifying thing." In her Psychology Today column, research scientist, sex
columnist and book author Debby Herbenick compared it to a roller
coaster:



There's
something wonderful, I think, about taking chances on love and sex. ... Going
out on a limb can be roller-coaster scary because none of us want to be rejected
or to have our heart broken. But so what if that happens? I, for one, would
rather fall flat on my face as I serenade my partner (off-key and all) in a
bikini and a short little pool skirt than sit on the edge of the pool, dipping
my toes in silence.


​


One dating
adviser agreed that love is risky, and wrote that "There is truly only one real
danger that we must concern ourselves with and that is closing our hearts to the
possibility that love exists."


​


Controversy


Anthropologist Helen Fisher in 2008
What happens in the
dating world can reflect larger currents within popular culture. For example,
when the 1995 book The Rules appeared, it touched off media controversy about
how men and women should relate to each other, with different positions taken by
New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd and British writer Kira Cochrane of The
Guardian. and others. It has even caused anthropologists such as Helen Fisher to
suggest that dating is a game designed to "impress and capture" which is not
about "honesty" but "novelty", "excitement" and even "danger", which can boost
dopamine levels in the brain. The subject of dating has spun off popular culture
terms such as the friend zone which refers to a situation in which a dating
relation evolves into a platonic non-sexual union.


​


Stranger danger


Since people
dating often don't know each other well, there's the risk of violence, including
date rape. According to one report, there was a 10% chance of violence between
students happening between a boyfriend and girlfriend, sometimes described as
"intimate partner violence", over a 12–month period. Another estimate was that
20% of U.S. high school girls aged 14–18 were "hit, slapped, shoved or forced
into sexual activity". There is evidence that violence while dating isn't
limited to any one culture or group or religion, but that it remains an issue in
different countries. It is usually the female who is the victim, but there have
been cases where males have been hurt as well. Sara McCorquodale suggests that
women meeting strangers on dates meet initially in busy public places, share
details of upcoming dates with friends or family so they know where they'll be
and who they'll be with, avoid revealing one's surname or address, and
conducting searches on them on the Internet prior to the date. One advisor
suggested: Don't leave drinks unattended; have an exit plan if things go badly;
and ask a friend to call you on your cell phone an hour into the date to ask how
it's going. In some regions of the world, such as Chechnya, bride-stealing is
fairly common, enough to provoke leader Ramzan Kadyrov to urge young men to use
persuasion instead. Kadyrov advised:



If you
explain beautifully, a woman does not look to see whether you are handsome or
not -- but listens more, so you can win her heart. That is why I advise our boys
to read stories and watch movies more and to learn more beautiful phrases to
tell girls.


—Ramzan
Kadyrov, 2010,


​


Technology



The internet
and several websites are shaping the way new generations date. Facebook, Skype,
Whatsapp, and other applications like Lulu and Grindr have made remote
connections possible. Particularly for the LGBTI community, where the dating
pool can be more difficult to navigate because of discrimination and having a
'minority' status in society, online dating tools are an alternate way to meet
potential dates. New software applications such as Grindr has also provided a
means for gays to meet with other gays in close
proximity
 



 


 


 




Dating
worldwide


​


Ethiopia


One
Ethiopian writer described a couple, when dating, as happy, at parties and
movies and recreation centers and swimming pools, while they appeared to be less
so after being married; still the writer thought marriage was the "lesser of two
evils" when compared with the single life. Marriages link families in Ethiopia
since the dowry paid by the family of the bride is often significant
financially. According to one source, there are four ways that marriage can
happen in Ethiopia: (1) arranged marriage, when well-respected elders are sent
to the girl's family on behalf of the boy's family; (2) courtship or dating
after a friendly meeting between boy and girl such as at a market place or
holiday where there's dancing; (3) abduction, such as during a blood feud
between families; (4) inheritance.



Finding
a wife is not easy for a Nyangatom boy. He has to build his own house, store
lots of tobacco and dry coffee leaves for the girl's parents and have many cows
and goats. ... If the girl is from a wealthy family the dowry given to her
parents is worth about 200 to 500 cows, about 1,000 sheep or goats, five camels
and three rifles.


​


Australia


There are
reports that guys are asking out girls for dates by text messaging. A recent
study revealed that 50% of Australians agreed it was permissible to request a
date via a text message but not acceptable to break up with them this way.
Flirting while texting, dubbed flirtext, was more likely to be done by girls
after a relationship was started. A survey of newspaper readers suggested it was
time to abandon the "old fashioned rule" of men paying for the first date, based
on women's greater earning capacity. A dating show on TV features three couples
who live under one roof, but who can only have contact in a "specially created
dark room", and the show is scheduled to be hosted by Miss Australia model Laura
Dundovic.


​


Asia


Asia is a
mix of traditional approaches with involvement by parents and extended families
such as arranged marriages as well as modern dating. In many cultural
traditions, including some in South Asia, and the Middle East and to some extent
East Asia, as in the case of Omiai in Japan and the similar "Xiangqin" (相親)
practiced in the Greater China Area, a date may be arranged by a third party,
who may be a family member, acquaintance, or professional
matchmaker.


​


China


Patterns of
dating are changing in China, with increased modernization bumping into
traditional ways.


One report
in China Daily suggests that dating for Chinese university women is "difficult"
and "takes work" and steals time away from academic advancement, and places
women in a precarious position of having to balance personal success against
traditional Chinese relationships. Women have high standards for men they seek,
but also worry that their academic credentials may "scare away more traditional
Chinese men." It is difficult finding places to have privacy, since many
dormitory rooms have eight or more pupils in one suite. And dating in
restaurants can be expensive. One commentator noted: "American couples drink and
dance together. But in China, we study together." Professional single women can
choose to wait:



Like
other women in my social circle, I have certain demands for a potential mate. He
doesn't have to make much more than I do, but he must be doing at least as well
as I am, and has to be compatible with me, both morally and spiritually ... He
should also own an apartment instead of us buying one together. Remember what
Virginia Wolf [sic] said? Every woman should have a room of her
own.


—Wei Liu,
45, single, broadcaster, in 2005,



Actress
Shu Qi starred in the 2008 movie If You Are the One
The game show If You Are
the One, titled after Chinese personal ads, featured provocative contestants
making sexual allusions and the show reportedly ran afoul of authorities and had
to change its approach. The two-host format involves a panel of 24 single women
questioning a man to decide if he'll remain on the show; if he survives, he can
choose a girl to date; the show gained notoriety for controversial remarks and
opinions such as model Ma Nuo saying she'd prefer to "weep in a BMW than laugh
on a bike", who was later banned from making
appearances.


A new format
of Internet "QQ" chat rooms is gaining ground against so-called "traditional
dating agencies" in Changsha (Hunan Province); the QQ rooms have 20,000 members,
and service is much less expensive than dating agencies which can charge 100 to
200 yuan ($13 to $26 USD) per introduction.[87] Internet dating, with
computer-assisted matchmaking, is becoming more prevalent; one site supposedly
has 23 million registered users. Speed dating has come to Shanghai and other
cities. Worldwide online matchmakers have explored entering the Chinese market
via partnerships or acquisitions.


There are
conflicting reports about dating in China's capital city. One account suggests
that the dating scene in Beijing is "sad" with particular difficulties for
expatriate Chinese women hoping to find romance. One explanation was that there
are more native Chinese women, who seem to be preferred by Chinese men, and that
expat women are seen as "foreigners" by comparison. According to the 2006
report, expat Chinese men have better luck in the Beijing dating scene. A
different report, however, suggested that Chinese men preferred Western women
who they consider to be more independent, less girlish, and more straightforward
than Chinese women. Another account suggested that western women in Beijing seem
invisible and have trouble attracting Chinese men.


Each year
November 11 has become an unofficial holiday known as China's Singles' Day when
singles are encouraged to make an extra effort to find a partner. Worried
parents of unmarried children often arrange dates for their offspring on this
day as well as others. Before the day approaches, thousands of college students
and young workers post messages describing their plans for this day. Why
November 11? In Arabic numerals, the day looks like "1111", that is, "like four
single people standing together," and there was speculation that it originated
in the late 1990s when college students celebrated being single with "a little
self-mockery" but a differing explanation dates it back to events in the Roman
Empire. For many, Singles' Day offers people a way to "demonstrate their stance
on love and marriage.


There is
concern that young people's views of marriage have changed because of economic
opportunities, with many choosing deliberately not to get married, as well as
young marrieds who have decided not to have children, or to postpone having
them. Cohabiting relationships are tolerated more often. Communities where
people live but don't know each other well are becoming more common in China
like elsewhere, leading to fewer opportunities to meet somebody locally without
assistance. Divorce rates are rising in cities such as Shanghai which recorded
27,376 divorces in 2004, an increase of 30% from 2003.


A
government-sponsored agency called Shanghai Women's Activities Centre (Chinese:
Jinguoyuan) organized periodic matchmaking events often attended by
parents.


Chinese-style flirtatiousness is termed sajiao, best described
as "to unleash coquettishness" with feminine voice, tender gestures, and girlish
protestations. Chinese women expect to be taken care of (zhaogu) by men like a
baby girl is doted on by an attentive and admiring father. They wish to be
almost "spoiled" (guan) by a man buying gifts, entertainment, and other
indulgences. It's a positive sign of heartache (xinteng) when a man feels
compelled to do "small caring things" for a woman without being asked such as
pouring a glass of water or offering a "piggyback ride if she's tired." These
are signs of love and accepted romantic notions in China, according to one
source.


Romantic
love is more difficult during times of financial stress, and economic forces can
encourage singles, particularly women, to select a partner primarily on
financial considerations. Some men postpone marriage until their financial
position is more secure and use wealth to help attract women. One trend is
towards exclusive matchmaking events for the 'rich and powerful'; for example,
an annual June event in Wuhan with expensive entry-ticket prices for men (99,999
RMB) lets financially secure men choose so-called bikini brides based on their
beauty and education, and the financial exclusivity of the event was criticized
by the official news outlet China Daily.



A brave
lover in Beijing must be prepared to accept a paradigm shift to enjoy the
cross-cultural dating experience.


​


There was a
report that sexual relations among middle schoolers in Guangzhou sometimes
resulted in abortions which, according to a report in China Daily, resulted in
greater statistical chances of subsequent sterility. There have been reports of
scams involving get-rich-quick schemes; a forty-year-old migrant worker was one
of a thousand seduced by an advertisement which read "Rich woman willing to pay
3 million yuan for sperm donor" but the worker was cheated out of his savings of
190,000 yuan (27,500 USD).


​


India


Indian
dating is heavily influenced by the custom of arranged marriages which require
little dating, although there are indications that the institution is undergoing
change, and that love marriages are becoming more accepted as India becomes more
intertwined with the rest of the world.



An
Indian wedding
The majority of Indian marriages are arranged by parents and
relatives, and one estimate is that 9 of every 10 marriages are arranged.
Sometimes the bride and groom don't meet until the wedding, and there is no
courtship or wooing before the joining. In the past, it meant that couples were
chosen from the same caste and religion and economic status. There is widespread
support for arranged marriages generally. Writer Lavina Melwani described a
happy marriage which had been arranged by the bride's father, and noted that
during the engagement, the woman was allowed to go out with him before they were
married on only one occasion; the couple married and found happiness. Supporters
of arranged marriage suggest that there is a risk of having the marriage fall
apart whether it was arranged by relatives or by the couple themselves, and that
what's important is not how the marriage came to be but what the couple does
after being married. Parents and relatives exert considerable influence,
sometimes posting matrimonial ads in newspapers and online. Customs encourage
families to put people together, and discourage sexual experimentation as well
as so-called serial courtship in which a prospective bride or groom dates but
continually rejects possible partners, since the interests of the family are
seen as more important than the romantic needs of the people marrying. Indian
writers, such as Mistry in his book Family Matters, sometimes depict arranged
marriages as unhappy. Writer Sarita Sarvate of India Currents thinks people
calculate their "value" on the "Indian marriage market" according to measures
such as family status, and that arranged marriages typically united spouses who
often didn't love each other. She suggested love was out of place in this world
because it risked passion and "sordid" sexual liaisons. Love, as she sees it, is
"Waking up in the morning and thinking about someone." Writer Jennifer Marshall
described the wife in an arranged marriage as living in a world of solitude
without much happiness, and feeling pressured by relatives to conceive a son so
she wouldn't be considered as "barren" by her husband's family; in this sense,
the arranged marriage didn't bring "love, happiness, and companionship." Writer
Vijaysree Venkatraman believes arranged marriages are unlikely to disappear
soon, commenting in his book review of Shoba Narayan's Monsoon Diary which has a
detailed description of the steps involved in a present day arranged marriage.
There are indications that even the institution of arranged marriages is
changing, with marriages increasingly being arranged by "unknown, unfamiliar
sources" and less based on local families who know each other. Writer Lavina
Melwani in Little India compared Indian marriages to business
deals:



Until
recently, Indian marriages had all the trappings of a business transaction
involving two deal-making families, a hardboiled matchmaker and a vocal board of
shareholders - concerned uncles and aunts. The couple was almost incidental to
the deal. They just dressed and showed up for the wedding ceremony. And after
that the onus was on them to adjust to the 1,001 relatives, get to know each
other and make the marriage work.


—Lavina
Melwani,


​


Relationships in which dating is undertaken by two people, who
choose their dates without parental involvement and sometimes carry on
clandestine get-togethers, has become increasingly common. When this leads to a
wedding, the resulting unions are sometimes called love marriages. There are
increasing incidences when couples initiate contact on their own, particularly
if they live in a foreign country; in one case, a couple met surreptitiously
over a game of cards. Indians who move abroad to Britain or America often follow
the cultural patterns of their new country: for example, one Indian woman met a
white American man while skiing, and married him, and the formerly
"all-important relatives" were reduced to bystanders trying to influence things
ineffectively. Factors operating worldwide, such as increased affluence, the
need for longer education, and greater mobility have lessened the appeal for
arranged marriages, and these trends have affected criteria about which possible
partners are acceptable, making it more likely that pairings will cross
previously impenetrable barriers such as caste or ethnic background.
Indian-Americans in the U.S. sometimes participate in Singles Meets organized by
websites which happen about once a month, with 100 participants at each event;
an organizer did not have firm statistics about the success rate leading to a
long-term relationship but estimated about one in every ten members finds a
partner through the site.


Dating
websites are gaining ground in India. Writer Rupa Dev preferred websites which
emphasized authenticity and screened people before entering their names into
their databases, making it a safer environment overall, so that site users can
have greater trust that it's safe to date others on the site. Dev suggested that
dating websites were much better than the anonymous chatrooms of the
1990s.


During the
interval before marriage, whether it's an arranged or a love marriage, private
detectives have been hired to check up on a prospective bride or groom, or to
verify claims about a potential spouse made in newspaper advertising, and there
are reports that such snooping is increasing. Detectives investigate former
amorous relationships and can include fellow college students, former police
officers skilled in investigations, and medical workers "with access to health
records."


Transsexuals
and eunuchs have begun using Internet dating in some states in
India.


The practice
of dating runs against some religious traditions, and the radical Hindu group
Sri Ram Sena threatened to "force unwed couples" to marry, if they were
discovered dating on Valentine's Day; a fundamentalist leader said "drinking and
dancing in bars and celebrating this day has nothing to do with Hindu
traditions." The threat sparked a protest via the Internet which resulted in
cartloads of pink panties being sent to the fundamentalist leader's
office.


​


Japan


There is a
type of courtship called Omiai in which parents hire a matchmaker to give
resumes and pictures to potential mates for their approval, leading to a formal
meeting with parents and matchmaker attending. If the couple has a few dates,
they're often pressured by the matchmaker and parents to decide whether or not
to marry. There are reports of men falling in "love" with digital simulations of
women from video games, manga, and anime; one 27-year-old man known by the
handle of "Sal 9000" staged a wedding in 2009, watched by thousands online, in
which he married his favorite cartoon girl named "Nene
Anegasaki".


​


Pakistan


Marriages
and courtship in Pakistan are influenced by traditional cultural practices
similar to those elsewhere in the Indian subcontinent as well as Muslim norms
and manners. Illegitimate relationships before marriage are considered a social
taboo and social interaction between unmarried men and women is encouraged at a
modest and healthy level. Couples are usually wedded through either an arranged
marriage or love marriage. Love marriages are those in which the individuals
have chosen a partner whom they like by their own choice prior to marriage, and
usually occur with the consent of parents and family. Arranged marriages on the
other hand are marriages which are set and agreed by the families or guardians
of the two individuals where the couple may not have met before. In either cases
and in consistency with traditional marital practices, individuals who marry are
persuaded to meet and talk to each other for some time before considering
marrying so that they can check their compatibility.


​


Singapore



Singapore's
largest dating service, SDU, Social Development Unit, is a government-run dating
system. The original SDU, which controversially promoted marriages among
university graduate singles, no longer exists today. On 28 January 2009, it was
merged with SDS [Social Development Services], which just as controversially
promoted marriages among non-graduate singles. The merged unit, SDN Social
Development Network seeks to promote meaningful relationships, with marriage
touted as a top life goal, among all resident [Singapore] singles within a
conducive network environment of singles, relevant commercial and public
entities.


​


Taiwan


Survey of
Taiwan students


Statement


Agree


Hopeful
they'll find a relationship 37%
Have no clear idea how to approach someone
who interested them 90%
"Changes of heart" and "cheating" cause breakups
60%
Willing to resume relationship if problems are resolved 31%
Having
more than one relationship at a time isn't good 70%
Women who won't enter a
relationship if man lives too far away 70%
Women who believe height in men
matters 96%
....source: China Daily


One report
suggested that in southern Taiwan, "traditional rules of courtship" still apply
despite the influence of popular culture; for example, men continue to take the
initiative in forming relationships. A poll in 2009 of students at high schools
and vocational schools found that over 90% admitted that they had "no clear idea
of how to approach someone of the opposite sex who interested them". What caused
relationships to break up? 60% said "changes of heart" or "cheating". Dating
more than one person at a time was not permissible, agreed
70%.


​


Europe


​


Britain

In
Britain, the term dating bears similarity to the American sense of the tentative
exploratory part of a relationship. If two people are going out together, it may
mean they're dating but that their relationship has advanced to a relatively
long-standing and sexual boyfriend-girlfriend relationship although they're not
cohabitating. Although Britons are familiar with the term dating, the rituals
surrounding courtship are somewhat different from those commonly found in North
America. Writer Kira Cochrane advises daters to "get out there and meet people"
while noting a trend of temporary suspension of marriage until an individual
reaches his or her thirties. She sees a trend for developing new ways of meeting
people. In contrast, writer Bibi van der Zee found dating etiquette rules to be
helpful, and found that supposedly liberated advice such as "just be yourself"
to be the "most useless advice in history." She expresses frustration following
fruitless sexual relationships, and that her mid twenties saw dating
relationships with partners who were less willing to return phone calls or
display interest in long-term commitment. She felt "clueless and unwanted", she
wrote, and found advice books such as The Rules helpful. British writer Henry
Castiglione signed up for a "weekend flirting course" and found the experience
helpful; he was advised to talk to and smile at everyone he met. Emailing
back-and-forth, after meeting on a dating website, is one way to get to know
people in Britain, and elsewhere. In the U.K., one estimate is that 15 million
people are single, and half of these are seeking a long-term relationship;
three-quarters of them have not been in a relationship for more than 18 months.
In a twelve-month period, the average number of dates that a single person will
have is four. When dating, 43% of people google their dates ahead of time.
Almost five million Britons visited a dating website in the past twelve months.
A third admitting to lying on their profile. A fifth of married individuals
between 19 and 25 met their spouse online, according to one estimate. One poll
in 2009 of 3,000 couples suggested that the average duration of their courtship
period, between first meeting to the acceptance of a marriage proposal, was
three years.


​


France


Speed dating
announcement in Paris
A speed dating event at a hotel in Cerizay was "open
to anyone aged 20 and above and starts at 20.00 with a light buffet and
apéritif, price €15," and required reservations. One Internet dating site will
"allow people to share their single friends in the same way they share
files."


​


Spain


One report
suggested Spanish women were the "greatest flirts", based on an unofficial study
by a dating website which ranked countries based on initiations of
contact.


​


German-speaking countries


Ball of City
of Vienna (1900)
While analysts such as Harald Martenstein and others
suggest that it is easier for persons to initiate contact in America, many
Germans view the American dating habits as "unspontaneous", "ridiculous" and
"rigid". Countries such as Germany, Switzerland and Austria allow for first
contacts during seasonal festivals like carnival and festivals and funfairs like
the Oktoberfest. In addition, municipal and local festivals like the love parade
and others allow unattached men and women to meet and
flirt.


Membership
in voluntary associations is relatively high in German-speaking countries and
these provide further chances for possible partners to meet. Strolling on
Esplanadess and Promenade walkways such as the one in Hamburg called the
Jungfernstieg (maidens way), have been another venue for introductions as early
as the 19th century. Analyst Geoffrey Gorer described dating as an American
idiosyncracy focusing on youth of college age and expressed in activities such
as American proms. In contrast German speaking countries and the longstanding
musical tradition there provide ample opportunity of persons of varying ages
enjoying social dances, such as the Vienna Opera Ball and other
occasions.


Romantic
encounters are often described with French terms like rendezvous or tête-à-tête.
The German term of Stelldichein (as translated by Joachim Heinrich Campes) is
used to signify dating when the age of consent to marriage was relatively high.
German traditions to signify lovers who met in hiding were described with terms
like Fensterln (windowing) or Kiltgang (dawn stroll) used in Bavaria and
Switzerland. Analyst Sebastian Heinzel sees a major cultural divide between
American dating habits and European informality, and leads to instances in which
European expatriates in cities such as New York keep to
themselves.


​


Middle East



​


Egypt


In Egypt,
like in many parts of the Middle East, sex without marriage is considered
unacceptable. Dating in Egypt is predominantly done under family supervision,
usually in a public area.


​


Iran


People of
different sexes are not allowed to "mix freely" in public. Since 1979, the state
has become a religious autocracy, and imposes Islamic edicts on matters such as
dating. Clerics run officially sanctioned internet dating agencies with strict
rules. Prospective couples can have three meetings: two with strict supervision
inside the center, and the third being a "brief encounter on their own";
afterwards, they can either (1) choose to marry or (2) agree to never see each
other again. This has become the subject of a film by Iranian filmmaker Leila
Lak. Iran has a large population of young people with sixty percent of the
70-million population being under the age of thirty. However, economic hardship
discourages marriage, and divorce rates have increased in Teheran to around a
quarter of marriages, even though divorce is taboo. While the Iranian government
"condemns dating and relationships", it promotes marriage with (1) online
courses (2) "courtship classes" where students can "earn a diploma" after
sitting through weekly tests and "hundreds of hours of education" (3) "marriage
diplomas" (4) matchmaking and arranged marriages. Authorities push a
conservative approach and shun unmarried romantic relationships and encourage
"traditional match-making". But young people have disobeyed the restrictions;
one said "It is wiser to have different relationships" and believed in defying
religious rules which suggest "short-term illegitimate relationships harm
dignity." Adultery can be punished by death. While youths can flout selected
restrictions, there are almost no instances in which unmarried people move in
together. There have been efforts to promote Sigheh (temporary
marriage).


​


Lebanon


One report
suggests the Lebanese dating game is hampered by "the weight of family demands
upon individual choice" and that there were difficulties, particularly for
people seeking to marry across religious lines, such as a Christian seeking to
marry a Muslim.


​


Saudi
Arabia


The Saudi
Gazette quoted a Wikipedia article on domestic violence, suggesting it was an
issue for Saudis, including abusive behavior while dating by one or both
partners.


​


North
America


​


United
States and Canada


Ernie Kovacs
and Edie Adams from his television show, Take a Good Look.
One report
suggested the United States as well as other western-oriented countries were
different from the rest of the world because "love is the reason for mating," as
opposed to marriages being arranged to cement economic and class ties between
families and promote political stability. Dating, by mutual consent of two
single people, is the norm. British writer Kira Cochrane, after moving to the
U.S., found herself grappling with the American approach to dating. She wondered
why it was acceptable to juggle "10 potential partners" while weighing different
attributes; she found American-style dating to be "exhausting and strange." She
found dating in America to be "organized in a fairly formal fashion" with men
approaching women and asking point blank for a date; she found this to be
"awkward." She described the "third date rule" which was that women weren't
supposed to have sex until the third date even if they desired it, although men
were supposed to try for sex. She wrote: "Dating rules almost always cast the
man as aggressor, and the woman as prey, which frankly makes me feel nauseous."
Canadian writer Danielle Crittenden, however, chronicling female angst,
criticized a tendency not to take dating seriously and suggested that postponing
marriage into one's thirties was problematic:



By
waiting and waiting and waiting to commit to someone, our capacity for love
shrinks and withers. This doesn't mean that women or men should marry the first
reasonable person to come along, or someone with whom they are not in love. But
we should, at a much earlier age than we do now, take a serious attitude toward
dating and begin preparing ourselves to settle down. For it's in the act of
taking up the roles we've been taught to avoid or postpone––wife, husband,
mother, father––that we build our identities, expand our lives, and achieve the
fullness of character we desire.


—Danielle
Crittenden, 1999,


Teenagers
and college-aged students tend to avoid the more formal activity of dating, and
prefer casual no-strings-attached experiments sometimes described as hookups. It
permits young women to "go out and fit into the social scene, get attention from
young men, and learn about sexuality", according to one report by sociologists.
The term hookup can describe a wide variety of behavior ranging from kissing to
non-genital touching to make-out sessions; according to one report, only about
one third of people had sexual intercourse.


Muslims
living in the United States can choose whether to use traditional Islamic
methods, or date American-style; Muslims choosing to stick to Islamic tradition
can "only marry another Muslim", according to one Malaysian account. Mosques
have been known to try to bring people together––one in California has a dating
service for Muslims. In general, Muslim men are allowed to marry Jewish,
Christian or Muslim women.


​


South
America


​


Brazil


In Brazil,
according to one report, there's a longer time interval before children move out
of the house, which affects dating. As a result, parents offer advice about
dating although it may not be heeded. Men interested in Brazilian women are
advised to become friends with them first. Even though Brazilians can be viewed
as warm people, they are less likely to "share intimacies" until they are well
into the relationship. Different from North America, there is no "multi-dating"
in Brazil: that is, when in a relationship, it is assumed that both parts are
exclusive to each other.


​


Dating
differences according to sexual orientation


A report in
Psychology Today found that homosexual men were attracted to men in their late
teens and early twenties and didn't care much about the status of a prospective
partner; rather, physical attractiveness was the key. Gay men, on average, tend
to have more sexual partners, while lesbians tended to form steadier one-on-one
relationships, and tend to be less promiscuous than heterosexual women. One gay
man found dating online difficult, and found that there is an element of
deception on dating website profiles just like everywhere
else:



 


Matchmakers



People
can meet other people on their own or the get-together can be arranged by
someone else. Matchmaking is an art based entirely on hunches, since it is
impossible to predict with certainty whether two people will like each other or
not. "All you should ever try and do is make two people be in the same room at
the same time," advised matchmaker Sarah Beeny in 2009, and the only rule is to
make sure the people involved want to be set up. One matchmaker advised it was
good to match "brains as well as beauty" and try to find people with similar
religious and political viewpoints and thinks that like-minded people result in
more matches, although acknowledging that opposites sometimes attract. It's
easier to put several people together at the same time, so there are other
candidates possible if one doesn't work out, according to Hannah Pool. And,
after introducing people, don't meddle.


​


Friends as
matchmakers


Friends
remain an excellent way for people to meet people, according to sociologist
Edward Laumann of the University of Chicago, who wrote that "A real
person––whatever his relationship to you, be it friend or kinsman or
co-worker––is still far and away the most reliable kind of way to meet someone."
However, the Internet promises to overtake friends in the future, if present
trends continue, according to an article in USA Today. A friend can introduce
two people who don't know each other, and the friend may play matchmaker and
send them on a blind date. In The Guardian, British writer Hannah Pool was
cynical about being set up on a blind date; she was told "basically he's you but
in a male form" by the mutual friend. She googled her blind date's name along
with the words "wife" and "girlfriend" and "partner" and "boyfriend" to see
whether her prospective date was in any kind of relationship or gay; he wasn't
any of these things. She met him for coffee in London and she now lives with
him, sharing a home and business. When friends introduce two people who don't
know each other, it's often called a blind date.


​


Family as
matchmakers


Parents, via
their contacts with associates or neighbors or friends, can introduce their
children to each other. In India, parents often place matrimonial ads in
newspapers or online, and may post the resumes of the prospective bride or
groom.


​


Matchmaking
systems and services


Dating
systems can be systematic and organized ways to improve matchmaking by using
rules or technology. The meeting can be in-person or live as well as separated
by time or space such as by telephone or email or chat-based. The purpose of the
meeting is for the two persons to decide whether to go on a date in the
future.
Speed dating are organized matchmaking events have multiple single
persons meet one-on-one in brief timed sessions so that singles can assess
further whether to have subsequent dates. An example is meeting perhaps twenty
potential partners in a bar with brief interviews between each possible couple,
perhaps lasting three minutes in length, and shuffling partners. In Shanghai,
one event featured eight-minute one-on-one meetings in which participants were
pre-screened by age and education and career, and which costs 50 yuan ($6 USD)
per participant; participants are asked not to reveal contact information during
the brief meeting with the other person, but rather place names in cards for
organizers to arrange subsequent dates. Advantages of speed dating: efficiency;
"avoids an embarrassing disaster date"; cost-effective; way to make friends.
Disadvantages: it can turn into a beauty contest with only a few good-looking
participants getting most offers, while less attractive peers received few or no
offers; critics suggest that the format prevents factors such as personality and
intelligence from emerging, particularly in large groups with extra-brief
meeting times.



(Speed
dating is) a fast and comfortable way to meet people. It helps enlarge my social
contacts. I don't care if I can't find a girlfriend there. I just want to try my
luck, and if she is there, then that will be a big
bonus.


—Huang Xiao,
salesman, age 27,
Video dating systems of the 1980s and 1990s especially,
where customers gave a performance on (typically VHS) video, which was viewable
by other customers, usually in private, in the same facility. Some services
would record and play back videos for men and women on alternate days to
minimize the chance that customers would meet each other on the
street.
Phone dating systems of about the same vintage, where customers call
a common voice mail or phone-chat server at a common local phone number, and are
connected with other (reputed) singles, and typically charged by the minute as
if it were a long-distance call (often a very expensive one). A key problem of
such systems was that they were hard to differentiate from a phone porn service
or "phone sex" where female operators are paid to arouse male customers and have
no intention of ever dating them.


​


Computers as
matchmakers


Software
entrepreneur Gary Robinson developed a now-defunct online dating service called
212-Romance in New York City in the 1980s which used complex computer algorithms
to guess who'd like whom.
Computer dating systems of later 20th century,
especially popular in the 1960s and 1970s, before the rise of sophisticated
phone and computer systems, gave customers forms that they filled out with
important tolerances and preferences, which were "matched by computer" to
determine "compatibility" of the two customers. The history of dating systems is
closely tied to the history of technologies that support them, although a
statistics-based dating service that used data from forms filled out by
customers opened in Newark, New Jersey in 1941. The first large-scale computer
dating system, The Scientific Marriage Foundation, was established in 1957 by
Dr. George W. Crane. In this system, forms that applicants filled out were
processed by an early IBM card sorting machine. In the early 1980s in New York
City, software developer Gary Robinson developed a now–defunct dating service
called 212-Romance which used computer algorithms to match singles romantically,
using a voice–mail based interface backed by community-based automated
recommendations enhanced by collaborative filtering technologies. Compatibility
algorithms and matching software are becoming increasingly sophisticated,
according to one report.


Online
dating services are becoming increasingly prevalent worldwide. They charge a fee
to enable a user to post a profile of himself or herself, perhaps using video or
still images as well as descriptive data and personal preferences for dating,
such as age range, hobbies, and so forth. One report suggests that online dating
businesses are thriving financially, with growth in members, service offerings,
membership fees and with many users renewing their accounts, although the
overall share of Internet traffic using online dating services in the U.S. has
declined somewhat, from 2003 (21% of all Internet users) to 2006 (10%), and that
dating sites must work to convince users that they're safe places having quality
members, according to Jupiter Research. While online dating has become more
accepted, it retains a slight negative stigma, according to one writer. There is
widespread evidence that online dating has increased rapidly and is becoming
"mainstream" with new websites appearing regularly. One study suggested that 18%
of single persons had used the Internet for dating purposes. Reports vary about
the effectiveness of dating web sites to result in marriages or long–term
relationships. Pew Research, based on a 2005 survey of 3,215 adults, estimated
that three million Americans had entered into long-term relationships or
marriage as a result of meeting on a dating web site. While sites have touted
marriage rates from 10% to 25%, sociologists and marriage researchers are highly
skeptical that valid statistics underlie any such claims. The Pew study
suggested the Internet was becoming increasingly prominent and accepted as a way
to meet people for dates, although there were cautions about deception, the risk
of violence, and some concerns about stigmas. The report suggested most people
had positive experiences with online dating websites and felt they were
excellent ways to meet more people. The report also said that online daters tend
to have more liberal social attitudes compared to the general population. In
India, parents sometimes participate in websites designed to match couples. Some
online dating sites can organize double dates or group dates. Research from
Berkeley suggests there's a dropoff in interest after online daters meet
face–to–face. It's a lean medium not offering standard cues such as tone of
voice, gestures, and facial expressions. There is substantial data about online
dating habits; for example, researchers believe that "the likelihood of a reply
to a message sent by one online dater to another drops roughly 0.7 percent with
every day that goes by". Psychologist Lindsay Shaw Taylor found that even though
people said they'd be willing to date someone of a different race, that people
tend to choose dates similar to themselves.


Internet
"QQ" chat rooms. This type of dating approach, cheaper than traditional websites
and agencies, is gaining ground in China.


​


Online
website usage survey


Estimate


​


Internet
users who've used it romantically 74%
Know somebody who found long-term
partner via Internet 15%
Know someone who's used a dating website
31%
Know someone who's gone on a date after visiting a website 26%
Agree
online dating can be dangerous 66%
Don't think online dating is dangerous
25%
Believe online dating is for those in "dire straits" 29%
Gone on a
dating website 10%
There are dating applications or apps on mobile
phones.
Virtual dating: A combination of video game playing and dating,
where users create avatars and spend time in virtual worlds in an attempt to
meet other avatars with the purpose of meeting for potential dates. (which is
similar to online dating although this practice is not usually accepted by other
players)
Mobile dating/cell phone dating: Text messages to and from a
mobile/cell phone carrier are used to show interest in others on the system. Can
be web-based or online dating as well depending on the company.
Singles
event: Where a group of singles are brought together to take part in various
events for the purposes of meeting new people. Events can include such things as
parties, workshops, and games. Many events are aimed at singles of particular
affiliations, interest, or religions. A weekend flirting course in Britain
advised daters to "love the inner you" and understand the difference between
arrogance from insecurity and "true self-confidence"; it featured exercises in
which students were told to imagine that they were "great big beautiful gods and
goddesses" and treat others similarly.


​


Media


There are
also dating game shows, e.g. Blind Date, The 5th Wheel, The Bachelor, in which a
high degree of support and aids are provided to individuals seeking dates. These
are described more fully in an article on them alone, and in the related article
on "reality game shows" that often include or motivate romantic episodes between
players.


​


Age groups



Dating can
happen for people in most age groups with the possible exception of children.
Teenagers and tweens have been described as dating; according to one report by
the CDC, three-quarters of eighth and ninth graders in the United States
described themselves as "dating", although it is unclear what is exactly meant
by this term.


Young
persons are exposed to many in their high schools or secondary schools or
college or universities. There is anecdotal evidence that traditional
dating—one-on-one public outings—has declined rapidly among the younger
generation in the United States in favor of less intimate sexual encounters
sometimes known as hookups (slang), described as brief sexual experiences with
"no strings attached", although exactly what is meant by the term hookup varies
considerably. Dating is being bypassed and is seen as archaic, and relationships
are sometimes seen as "greedy" by taking time away from other activities,
although exclusive relationships form later. Some college newspapers have
decried the lack of dating on campuses after a 2001 study was published, and
conservative groups have promoted "traditional" dating. When young people are in
school, they have a lot of access to people their own age, and don't need tools
such as online websites or dating services. Chinese writer Lao Wai, writing to
homeland Chinese about America, considered that the college years were the
"golden age of dating" for Americans, when Americans dated more than at any
other time in their life. "Once they are way past school, it's harder to find a
partner," according to dating coach Evan Marc Katz, who urges singles to go
online. There are indications people in their twenties are less focused on
marriage but on careers; according to National Public Radio, "marriage is often
the last thing on the minds of young people leaving college
today."


People over
thirty, lacking the recency of a college experience, have better luck online
finding partners. Economist Sylvia Ann Hewlett in 2002 found that 55% of
35-year-old career women were childless, while 19% of male corporate executives
were, and concluded that "the rule of thumb seems to be that the more successful
the woman, the less likely it is she will find a husband or bear a
child."


While people
tend to date people their own age, it's possible for older men to date younger
women. In many countries, the older-man-younger-woman arrangement is seen as
permissible, sometimes with benefits. It's looked on more positively in the U.S.
than in China; older men are described as more knowledgeable sexually and
intellectually, supportive, skilled in the ways of women, and financially more
secure so there's "no more going Dutch."[168] In China, older men with younger
women are more likely to be described as "weird uncles" rather than "silver
foxes." One Beijing professor reportedly advised his male students to delay
dating:



Research
shows that successful men are, on average, older than their spouses by 12 years;
exceptional men, by 17 years; and Nobel laureates, well, they can be 54 years
older than their mates. Why date now when your ideal wives are still in
kindergarten!


​



Actress
Demi Moore, by dating younger actor Ashton Kutcher, has been described as a
cougar.
A notable example of the older-woman-younger-man is Demi Moore
pairing with 15-years her junior Ashton Kutcher. Older women in such relations
have recently been described as "cougars", and formerly such relationships were
often kept secret or discreet, but there is a report that such relationships are
becoming more accepted and increasing.


Since
divorce is increasing in many areas, sometimes celebrated with "divorce
parties", there is dating advice for the freshly divorced as well, which
includes not talking about your ex or your divorce, but focusing on "activities
that bring joy to your life." Adviser Claire Rayner in The Guardian suggests
calling people from your address book who you haven't been in touch with for
years and say "I'd love to get back in contact." Do activities you like doing
with like-minded people; if someone seems interesting to you, tell them. It's
more acceptable for this group for women to ask men
out